my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
My life is pants optional.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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