Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
