You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Randomize
