Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
