Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
