You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Randomize
