went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
The air was thick with penises
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Randomize
