I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
