The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Randomize
