I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
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