I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
