is that paris hilton dressed up as the guy from star trek who hosts reading rainbow
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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