Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
