I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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