Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
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