meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
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