So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Randomize
