This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
