I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
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