saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Randomize
