I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
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