If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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