he looks like a really good dad on facebook
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
