Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
