I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
