Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Randomize
