every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
