Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
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