Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
