Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Randomize
