Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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