do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
