you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Are my feet made of real feet?
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
