It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Randomize
