I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
