i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
