Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Randomize
