Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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