I'll bet she douches with gravy.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Randomize
