Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
