i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
Randomize
