Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
