Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
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