Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Randomize
