i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
