I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Randomize
