my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
birth control should be required to get into college
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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