y did u give ur computer a hand job?
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
We're too hungover to prance.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Randomize
