Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
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