After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
