Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
