dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
